by James McDuffie, Shamus Complexus, Ian Fringe, Mr. Yuk and the other
voices screaming in my head.
It always happens like this, doesn't it? Why am I doomed with this
remarkable foresight into someone's heart? Poe was correct about the
insane having hyper-senses, but I have something much more, the ability to
know the human heart. Oh, it is not as dandy as it may seem. You can deny
what your think you see all you want, but it is no good, what you see is
the truth. An attempt I made, gave a lot, saw the end in her face. No
matter how I try I always destroy it. Maybe I am just too pushy when it
comes to emotions. I push, they fall back. And I am left standing there
after they have fled. I sometimes wonder what it is about me that is so
vile to cause a human's stomach to overturn. I see in myself a lot of good
and some bad. This is how we all are, is it not, a remarkable blend of the
intricacies of human nature, some leaning one way or another. I try to
lean towards that which is good. I admit that I have many flaws but when I
look inside I see a noble person. Maybe, just maybe my mirror is curved.
I love too easily. There, I have finally admitted it to myself. I
gather up all my latently suppressed emotions and focus them on one
person. I have many friends but just like a beggar, I ask for more. I want
to love and be loved. I know I am loved by many but this is not the love I
long for. It is the indescribable love. The kind of feeling where you want
to merge your soul with another person. I want a girl that I can spend all
my time with and have her enjoy my company as much as I enjoy hers. I may
never find this kind of ability in a person. Such is my life a dreary need
gone unfulfilled. Often I think I have found her but end up learning my
presence is intolerable. Such is this world.
What I have now is not what I want. I do not want to spend my life
as another number. I do not want to punch numbers and extend my hand and
smile every month. No, I want to live on my own accord. I want to wander
from place to place learning about people and the world around me. I do
not want to be pressured by time constraints. I have my own pace and I do
not want anybody to hurry me up. Instead of living a life of dread, I want
to live learning, exploring and searching for that unobtainable
never-ending love.
I see it in the movies, a love beyond words, beyond understanding.
Does it really exist? I do not know but I will try and find it, no matter
what the case. I will try because even a glimpse of this object can fill
your world for eternity. I have trued to find this love with them, but
they share not my vision. Unfortunately no one understands. Let me try and
explain it further. This love exists more than on a physical level, it
goes to the spiritual realm and then transcends even that. It is total
understanding. It is unrefutable trust. It is endless communication and
openness. The best way to describe it is as if you and the other person
form one person, an entity from two bodies, one soul formed from a mixing
of spirits. Hard to explain unless you feel and know that which you seek.
It is always easy to feel these things when you are an outsider. I
grew up alone, I do not resent that fact, what was is what was. But in
this type of way I saw things from a perspective unshared by my peers. I
was considered different and could not understand why they taunted me. I
thought on different things and in different manners. We all have the same
basic feelings, goals and ideas. I am no different than anyone else, as
set in biology as you. On top of these I developed other thoughts and
manners. My world was fully of information from the Internet, books,
television and movies. I learned about the world at an early age, about
what it is and was. I had always thought about the supposed her and what
it would be like to have one who had undying love. Love needs no reasons,
it exists without them, and it does not conform to popular notions. This
is what I grew to believe, an idea formulated and discovered on my own.
But there is no joy in Mudville, might James has struck out. You
step up to the plate expecting a home run but then your arrogance kills
you. After awhile you feel like giving up, retiring from the game. But I
am a life time player. I do not care how low my batting average gets. I am
going to go up to the plate and try, oh God I will try to send that little
white ball flying, flying so hard that Lady Liberty herself will have to
catch it. And when I do hit it there is going to be happiness, never
ending happiness. The game will not be televised and will be witnessed by
few, but it will be the best game of eternity. God himself will have my
rookie card. But until then fate, chaos or whatever is not allowing my to
hit.