Pop Quiz: what do Jim Baker and Newt Gingrich have in common? Besides the
illegal sex and controlled substance "experimentation," they both give you
their assurance that your life would be better if everyone did just as
they said. Both of these men are propagators of some form of ideology, and
they both know what's best for you.
Here's how an ideology works: someone somewhere finds an idea that
fits his or her lifestyle and talks about it to a bunch of people who are
willing to adjust their lifestyle if they could only find out the Great
Idea. Of course, everyone is looking for an answer that they can use to
destroy the uncertainty and sense of uselessness that mediocrity begets.
And a promise of eternal happiness is icing on the cake. Especially if you
don't have to exert much energy to reach the pie in the sky. "If you put
faith in it, it will become true." Why, if you put that in a chain letter,
you'd make a mint.
But our young, hip society is more aware about worldly goings-on.
Our television shows us when someone kills something because it disagrees
with their idea of the Great Idea, and we think that to do such a thing is
bad. After all, it would be unprofitable for a television station to hint
otherwise. "Too many have tried, too many must have failed, and I'm too
damn apathetic," says the cynical, post-modern Generation-Xer. And if you
are agree, you probably have a bland hair-do, a copy of Clerks, and an
adherence to some form of nihilism. Nihilism is the abstinence of a belief
of this supposed Great Idea. "No. Sorry but there really is nothing we can
count on. Now if we can just get everyone to forget about the Bible and
all the rest of that other TV crap we could make the world a better place!
We could make their lives better!"
Oops, what was that? Unfortunately when you believe in nothing,
that "nothing" becomes subjectified. It possesses a name and a place and
becomes something you can point at. Nihilism is still an ideology. Oh, as
far as ideologies go it's fairly inexpensive. Can you afford a pair of Doc
Martens? I knew you could. "But what else is there? I can't believe in
nothing and I don't wanna believe in something. How do I keep my progeny
from committing genocide against those other people?
I'll tell you what I've been doing for the past year... that is,
if you want to go changing your life around over it. I worship Reverend
Jim. Yes, that's right Reverend Jim, the less than kindly street preacher
who comes to our school on his annual collegiate circuit of sinners and
soul-winning. Why would I do this? Well, I believe in Brother Jim because
I can see him. I can touch him. These things are important to me. I
believe in swordfish too, but I'll dance to anything.
That was good for a laugh. Now the reason I worship Brother Jim is because
the man is full of shit. You may scoff at this "belief" system and feel
that it is self-contradictory in nature, and your feelings serve you well.
I'll explain why this is important. They way I see it, if I have to
believe in something, it might as well be frivolous and nonsensical so I
don't get into long, heated debates that I obviously can't win or start
killing all the Muslims in Atlanta. And what the hell! The man is
entertaining. The Church of the Subgenius is too expensive for my tastes.
Eternal salvation for thirty bucks or triple your money back? Are you
nuts? If I had thirty bones, I'm sure I could find better things to do
than write for you people. Brother Jim is free! I don't have to go to him,
he comes to me! And not too often either.
He's anal-retentive. He prefers the David Lee Roth incantation of Van
Halen to the Sammy Hagar one. He called my best friend a horny whoremonger
for simply knowing what a Nazarite was. What's not to love? If you can't
turn a deaf ear to his somewhat sexist and homophobic rants and can shell
out thirty bucks, I suggest you go check out the Subgenii. But give me Jim
or give me death!